If one happens to find oneself taking a niece and nephew in the five-to-seven-year-old range on their first miniature golf outing, following are some tips to help keep the endeavor as civilized as possible:
Understand that the rules of golf – even miniature golf – are not obvious. Do not take for granted even the simplest components of the game, such as that one should not hit the ball of a playing partner, for instance; or that one should continue to hit one’s ball until it falls into the cup; or that one’s ultimate goal is to get the ball to fall into the cup with the least number of strokes possible. Be warned that a five- and seven-year-old will devise many ways to navigate a miniature golf course, none of which utilize the actual rules of miniature golf.
Do explain the aforementioned rules of miniature golf before approaching the first hole. There will be scant time to explain the rules once you’re there, as few five- and seven-year-olds can just stand there with a ball and a stick in their hands. Also, despite your having imagined playing miniature golf without other patrons running about, there will be other patrons and they will want to play, too, and – most importantly – they will not find you giving a full-blown miniature golf lesson nearly as cute as, say, their mother might.
Be prepared to not play according to the rules of the game. As much as you, the adult, know and would like to play according to the rules of the game (rules that are wonderfully simpler than the rules of grown-up golf!), a five- and seven-year-old have neither the interest nor the attention span for even you to do so and thus it shall not be.
Demonstrate the proper way to hold the putter, but be empathetic that the proper way to do this is not as obvious as it might seem, and that your instruction will likely be met with scowling suspicion. Also be prepared to accept that at a certain putter-to-body-height ratio, the best possible form might actually entail hands stacked and elbows held akimbo, as if standing over a butter churn.
Bring extra balls. A robust body of child development research and – even more compellingly – case study evidence suggests that full appreciation for the effects of strike velocity on ball trajectory are not fully or even partially or even remotely developed in children in the five-to-seven-year-old range, and there are many places to lose a ball on a miniature golf course.
There will be tears, and there’s just not much that you can do about that, besides prepare yourself emotionally. Probably, the five-year-old will cry more than the seven-year-old (though this is not guaranteed). Things likely to incite tears include:
Not getting one’s preferred ball color. Understand that this might be the most important thing to multiple parties and serious negotiation may be required.
Not getting the color of putter one wants. Putter color corresponds to putter size, so there is, unfortunately, simply no way to accommodate the wishes of either party.
Being given unsolicited instructions on form or technique. To the recipient, this irrefutably indicates that one is not good at miniature golf. Understand that this is devastating. Exhortations that hardly anybody is good at golf because it’s a stupid, hard game will make no difference here.
Being told that it’s not one’s turn to hit. Which is actually valid angst because not even adults like to watch other adults play miniature golf. Or grown-up golf, for that matter.
Being told that no – under literally no circumstances – can one ride the elephant. Or the zebra. Or the gorilla. Or the unicorn. Or the hippopotamus.
Being told that no – under literally no circumstances – can one try to squeeze through the tiny “front door” of the castle. Or the saloon. Or the lighthouse. Or the volcano.
Hitting one’s ball in the water. And – much like many grown-up golf courses – there will be a bewildering amount of water.
Having one’s ball hit accidentally by a sibling. Which will happen frequently.
Having one’s ball hit intentionally by a sibling. Which will happen infrequently but also stings much more than the former.
Sometimes you – the first-time chaperone of first-time miniature golfers – will feel like crying, too. The factor most likely to incite tears for the chaperone is disappointment after making par after par after par and multiple holes-in-one (!) and nobody but nobody giving one single god damn.
Comments